Months after I contracted the annoying love bug, we started talking on the phone. It was innocent. I always treasured those moments and I always thought that maybe, just maybe, it could have been mutual. But I was young and naive. I ended up confessing my little crush one night and the very next day, the whole class knew about my secret.
I felt my whole world shatter as I watched him laughing at me with all of his friends. It was heartbreaking. I don't remember any memory as vividly as that from my freshman year in high school. And though my friends know me as a tough person, I found myself crying in the bathroom that day. I felt so stupid. I spent days, miserable about it. I cried every other night for weeks. The teasing followed me all throughout high school and it only stopped when we all went our separate ways in college. Funny thing is, it's still brought up in conversations until present time. It doesn't bother me anymore but it took a while before I completely got over it. I always considered that as my first real heartbreak.
Now, I wouldn't call myself an expert in mending broken hearts but I did find a way to fix mine. And that is by simply letting go. I know that a lot of How To articles have mentioned this and it sounds oh so cliche that you might want to just punch me in the face for it, but it is true. The best way to heal your heart is to let go.
Let go, not of the love you feel, but of the expectations. Let go of your expectation that things will work out or that he will come back for you. Stop expecting him to walk up to you and ask for forgiveness because we both know that he won't do that. Don't even try to mend what was broken between you two because you cannot re-build that bridge, not without his help. You don't need to hate him. You don't need to stop loving him. You just need to let go of the idea that the break is temporary because, more often than not, it's permanent.
After that, let go of the hate you feel for him. I'm not saying you're not allowed to verbally abuse his name when you tell your friends what a big jerk he is or how it's his lost not yours. I'm just saying, there should be a limit to the time you spend hating a person who no longer cares. Hate, you see, is not the opposite of love. Hating him won't make you feel better in the long run. Sure you might enjoy telling people how stupid his dimples are or how his know-it-all attitude is super annoying but hating him won't really change anything. It will only solidify whatever hold he has on you and your heart and doing so will only keep your heart from healing.
Next, stop looking at (or rather stalking) his online profiles. Stop browsing through his Facebook profile every hour. Quit looking at his tweets. And lastly, stop staring at his pictures on instagram. Admittedly, during my time, we only had Friendster and I could hardly stalk this guy's account since I didn't have internet at home. But the point is, stop finding ways to check on how he's doing or what he's doing. You're only hurting yourself more by following his every move, waiting if he's dating someone new or checking if he's already started moving on. Do yourself a favor and just stop.
Now, when you've let go of your expectations, your hate and you've stopped following his online profiles or his every move, it's time to find new love. And no, I'm not telling you to find a rebound. You don't need to find a new person to love right away. It doesn't work like that. I'm telling you, however, to find something to fill the hole that he left. For me, I turned to writing. I kept a journal all through high school and I started writing poems and stories. It helped me verbalize all my feelings and it worked as an outlet for when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I found a new love in the form of creating something out of the many ideas that fly through my head.
The process is long and you will slip and fall at times. Think of yourself as a recovering alcoholic. Sometimes you'll find yourself looking at his Facebook profile again. That is not a crime and no, it's not proof that you've failed. It only makes you human. So don't beat yourself up for it. Glancing at his profile is not a completely terrible thing. You just need to remember that whatever happens, the past needs to stay in the past. Focus on your new love and let go of the old one. If you fall off the wagon, just get up, dust yourself off and get back on. What's important is, you only glance at the past. Don't try to live in it.
The heart is a very fragile organ. It breaks and cracks are meant to appear. Healing takes time and a lot of effort and you need to work hard to take care of it. But think of it this way, your heart might break and fixing it might seem like a chore but in the long run, it’s worth the effort. You’ll wake up one day to find the right person and he’ll love you in spite of all the imperfections. When that time comes, you’ll actually be thankful that all those cracks and broken hearts led you straight to him. What’s even better is that by the time he comes around, your heart will be all fixed up and ready to love again.