We've only spent less than a year together as co-workers and as friends but I'd like to think that we became pretty close. So close, in fact that I found myself slowly liking you more than I should. I started crossing lines that I shouldn't and for that, I'm sorry. I never though I would ever regret taking ten seconds to confirm a theory. I lived 24 years without ever really feeling the pain and consequence that my curiosity could bring me, but then you came around. I regret those ten seconds of complete and utter honesty. I regret those ten seconds when I felt that maybe, just maybe, we had a chance. I regret it, because if I never asked for those ten seconds, you and I would probably still be friends.
I'm pouring my heart out on a letter in the internet that you will never read because I know you and I will never talk again. I have made peace with the fact that despite my willingness (and desire) to remain your friend, you will never let me be one. I will just be that girl you used to buy cheeseburgers with. I will just be a memory that you will some day, inevitably, forget. And you, you will be the one that got away.
Don't get me wrong. You are not the love of my life or anything so melodramatic. But I know, deep down, that I did love you. Some part of me still loves you. But you and I, we were never meant to be together. We're both too scared to do anything about our feelings. We're too afraid to take a chance. I am too selfish to let go of my forever for a chance at being with you and you are either too nice or too chicken to try to win me over. I'll tell you a secret, you could have won if you wanted to. And now we're here, most likely to end up just thinking of what could have been. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe not. But that's something we we'll never find out.
Truth is, I miss you. I have been missing you since you started slowly drifting away. I miss our pointless conversations. I miss our arguments. I miss how you would stay late at work just to hang out with me. I miss having a breakfast buddy. I miss seeing your dimples when you smile at me like I'm important. I miss your early morning text messages and your reminders about me taking it easy at work. I miss you. And it's breaking my heart.
I laugh at their jokes. I pretend it doesn't matter, like none of this matter. But at the end of the day, I find myself trying to hold it all in. I find myself fighting back tears. The fact that I can't move when you're around. I can't even breathe anymore because seeing you hurts so much. I don't remember when you started meaning this much to me but you do. You mean a lot to me. And there are days like this when I wish you didn't.
I never really asked for you to feel the same way. People have been telling me so many times that you like me back but I never really believed them. How could someone who is truly in love push away the person that he loves? It's impossible, right? But what they say makes sense. And sometimes, I feel like I want to believe them.
I know you don't really owe me anything. You don't need to feel the same way. But I did hope that you would have at least the decency to tell me why you started hating me so much. I just wanted a moment of honesty. I just wanted a simple explanation. I would've settled for a "F*ck you. I don't like you so stay away from me." Any explanation as to why I lost the person who once told me that I am the closest friend he had at work. An indication as to why someone who used to say we clicked would just leave me behind dumbfounded. I know that this is a shout into the void and that nothing will happen even if I cry all night about this, but I just need an answer. I need to know why you suddenly became an asshole. And then I'll be fine. I'll let you go. I'll bear the pain until it numbs me enough for me to start to forget about you. I'll endure the pain until the day that I can say that I've moved on, not just from being in love with you but also from losing my friend.
In another time, another life, another universe. Maybe, we could have worked out. If you were a little braver and I was a little less insecure, we could have been together. But I'm done trying to fix something I never broke. I'm done trying to go back to normal knowing that normal isn't exactly normal between us. I am so tired of trying to understand this situation. And I am so tired of crying and hoping you'd give me just one minute of your time to answer my stupid question. Did I even matter? Were we ever really friends? Do you even like me? Are you in love with me? Will you run away with me? Will you take a chance with me? Will you fight for me? Will you love me back? Can we give it a shot? Three words. Eight letters. Just say it. Say it and we'll go from there. But again, this is just me ranting. Talking to myself as my self imposed deadline looms closer.
Now. It's time to let you go. It's time I accept that we are no longer friends and that we will never be anything more than co-workers. I've given myself enough time to feel miserable and heart broken. Today, I won't care anymore. Today, I'll stop asking questions. Today, is the last day I will ever cry about you. Today, I'll start repairing what I broke in my relationship because I was stupid enough to love you. Today, you will be nothing more than a distant memory. Today, I will stop loving you.
But before all of that, let me just say it one last time, I love you. And I wish you had the courage to tell me how you really felt.